The world is full of exceptional people. The people in the world who do kindnesses, or search for truth despite their lives being at risk. The engineers, the teachers, the doctors and adoptive parents, the scholars and the firemen, and yes, the journalists. People who risk everything for the sake of others, and those who simply try to help those whose need might be greater than their own. Those people inspire me, not the other way around. They’re my magnetic north, if you will. They’re the WHY of it all. […] The world needs them more than it needs me. […] They’re special. I think they were all meant to do great things. Maybe greater in their way than what I can do. — Superman, Strange Attractors
Recently, I was going through a turmoil over who I really am and what I want to be. It had been quite a ride. I have to admit though, my melancholic tendency didn't help a bit. Because of that, I felt so depressed and completely so self-centered. But the problem is that I couldn't find a way out of it.
You've probably noticed, that it's been over two weeks since my last entry. Heh. Funny. Just when I thought the days of being swallowed by my attitude of not keeping a commitment was over. I am really sorry for that, but believe me, the one who is most upset over this is myself. Therefore, today I decided to kick-start the blog again, by ignoring my fears and worries and starting to write.
What is the damn thing that makes me depressed? ('cause I talked about being depressed for the paragraphs in the beginning of this entry and you were probably just scratching your head)
It begins several weeks ago. Let me just start from the beginning, guys! So, I was offered a scholarship to a university in the capital city of my country. To make long story short, I had to visit before accepting it, because the university is relatively new (it just started this year!!) and yet, I couldn't dismiss such a good offer (a 100% scholarship). Therefore, my father and I went to Jakarta and we did a lot of surveys, including comparing the said university to another university located right beside it which of course has been established longer (I've been planning for some time to write an entry about the comparison between both universities. So, guys, please "stay tune" to find out! ^^). In the end, I chose to accept the scholarship and went on to enroll on the digital communication major, which is just fit with my interest in journalism.
Coming from a small city, Semarang, even though it is still the capital city of Central Java, had given me a lot of perspectives about Jakarta. Here, I spend a lot of time browsing over the internet (yes, I am a bit of a nerd) until I know about western cultures which are all over the net than my own culture. Of course, spending five years of my education in an isolated English Program environment doesn't help. Though I am indeed thankful for the condition that I was raised in, sometimes when I observed the true situation of my country I felt such a big gap.
Jakarta, a big city with so many Indonesian-infamously-rich cultures embroidered in, is truly one of a kind. There are of course those tall skyscrapers that I scarcely meet in my own city - I previously even thought that I would only see those in Western countries, as it is depicted by those Hollywood movies! There are just so many people, and being in the foremost city in Indonesia really helps the development of the city. I was mesmerized by practically everyone's fashion sense, the big malls, jaw-dropping architectures, cutting-edge technologies, and how the whole city (well at least the part of the city that I visited) screamed international.
Needless to say, I felt very much like a girl coming out from a "hick town" and gaping all the way to a big city. And all of a sudden, my sense of self-worth practically plummeted down. Then I realized how much I put myself in the category of high-and-mighty, and how much I have been self-centered and clamoring for attention. Before you ask, yep, this is a "coming out" story, and I have long learned to get used to my tendency to embarrass myself ;)
The thing I learned is that when you take out the pillar that constructs someone's life, it will cause such a drastic impact that will set them out to a path that will help them to find the sense of self-discovery. So, there I was. I saw a lot of better people; prettier, smarter, more brilliant, more driven, more adapted to the big city than I am. Then I wondered, what would be of my life?
I contemplated this question day by day. In the process, I kind of lost my drive for writing, or doing any independent projects to be productive. In addition to that, at times I felt intimidated by even my peers who are of the same city and same age as myself. There are those who have managed to do some great things; like having numerous academic achievements, doing a lot of amazing extracurricular activities and etc. My self-esteem improved a bit for the speech contest that was held last week (another story for another day! ^^), but I couldn't help but feeling crushed for not achieving the first, second or third place. Well, I'm being very honest today with you, guys, I just hope that it won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Through it all, I understand that this conflict is a norm for teenagers. But I really felt the turmoil and temporary loss of identity that are just plain horrible. Fortunately, the story ends in a happy ending. I was supported by verses from the Bible and the words that I just typed on the very first paragraph of this entry.
Maybe, I was too focused on achieving great things, and underneath all the adrenaline and drive, I have not yet the capabilities of realizing my dreams. I should be focused on the small things around me, and furthermore, instead of trying to stand out, I should try to be a part of the community.
After all, working together sounds better than working alone, and giving matters most than being given.
That is my muse for today.
